Choosing a Resolution that Works

Lots of people feel a little sluggish and bloated this time of year.  Holiday celebrations leave us a little uncomfortable in our skin, which is why many of us use the new year as a time to get motivated to eat better and exercise.  I think it's great to reflect and set goals, but I'd like to offer some direction so that you can pursue resolutions that you can be successful at and that will make you healthier and happier. My former self was quite insecure (that's putting it mildly) and would always strive to lose weight.  No matter what weight I started the year off as, I wanted to weigh less.  In January I'd obsess over my eating habits, adopt the latest fad diet, and push myself to workout, but eventually I would grow frustrated or hungry and give up.  What I didn't know, was that I was setting the wrong goal.  In my early twenties I decided to shift my focus off of changing my exterior and instead focus on what's inside.  Instead of counting calories and obsessing over weight, I decided to pursue self-love and change the way I felt about myself.  I wanted to feel good in my body, no matter what size I ended up at and I was amazed at how that shift made adopting a healthy lifestyle so much easier.

We respond better to love than hate.  Motivating ourselves with punishment, mind games, guilt, negative thoughts, and deprivation just doesn't work.  It creates more obsession and gives more power to our negative thoughts.  It's a downward spiral that I was stuck in for a long time.  Every year when a new year is around the corner, I choose to use it as a time to reflect instead of time to riddle myself with expectations.  It's a time for me to look back on the previous year, acknowledge the growth I've achieved, and express gratitude for the gifts and lessons of that year.  It's also a time for me to set achievable goals for myself and to look forward to future challenges I'd like to overcome. Every year deepening my love for myself is a focus.

Self-love is a term I use constantly, but I realize that isn't a concept that is at the forefront of everyone's mind, so I'll explain what that term means to me.  I have this belief that love is a powerful tool.  Love is more than warm feelings and kind gestures, it is the thoughts we think and the actions we use.  I believe that all of our negative habits stem from some area in our lives where we need some love, nurturing, and attention.  By focusing on giving to ourselves more and nurturing these parts of us, we're able to pursue a healthier lifestyle more effortlessly.

I think it's important to note how hard it is to retrain ourselves to take care of ourselves.  Many of us, and this was very true for me, have a hard time putting ourselves first because it feels selfish.  It's okay to focus on yourself, in fact, it is when we ourselves are taken care of that we are able to give the most to others.  A lot of my clients tell me they have been wanting to get massages sooner, but it gets put on the back burner.  This is so common.  Whether it's taking the time to do something that's good for us or choosing to spend money on something that we want or need, it's easy to let these things slip through the cracks.  I'm asking you to bring awareness to the ways in your life that you do this and to choose to take care of yourself next time.

Right now, today, is an opportunity for you to make a commitment to feel deserving and worthy of self-love.  To show yourself this by nourishing your body with healthy foods, getting hydrated, finding ways to move, nurturing yourself with a bath, a book, a movie, a walk, a massage, surrounding yourself with loved ones that help and support you, asking for help if you need it, etc.  This year make resolutions that support you.  That support your journey to becoming a happier and healthier individual.  You deserve it and the world will be better for it.

I made commitment to love myself years ago and I still choose to make it a priority as it's just as important today.  The more I love myself the more I transform inside and out.  It's a constant journey and is equally challenging and rewarding, but it's the best decision I've ever made.  You can learn more about my transition here.

I know first hand how important support is when choosing a healthier lifestyle.  Starting this January I will be offering Wellness Coaching and Consulting Services to anyone who may need some help on their path to wellness. Click here to find out more.

An Alternate Reality

We are all seeing the world through special lenses.  Lenses that brighten or darken the world around us.  Lenses that focus on some things and disregard others.  Lenses that create a reality specifically tailored to the viewer.  No lens is the same. The day I realized that my reality wasn't necessarily the reality was a liberating and earth shattering day.  I have lived in two worlds.  The one before this realization and the one after.

Before:

Fear.  From a very early age I was scared.  I had a premature sense of mortality that, with much thought and consideration, I feel stems from the loss of my uncle. My Uncle Billy was a quadriplegic who I had grown up seeing in wheelchairs and hospital beds.  I think my own struggles with illness that landed me in and out of doctors' offices, made my uncle's situation comfortable to me.  I wasn't intimidated by his condition or the environment he lived in.  I felt connected to him.  When he died, I believe this is when I realized that my life wasn't a permanent thing and that I am also vulnerable to death.

The following year I began to have panic attacks.  My constant struggles with illnesses convinced me that I was dying.  At 10-years-old I was obsessed with taking my temperature, always careful to monitor the possibility of contracting meningitis, which I was convinced would be my end.  I remember many nights not being able to sleep, feeling like I couldn't breath, and crying to my parents.  This fear did not leave me even when the panic attacks stopped.  My fear morphed from hypochondria to fear of the world around me.  I felt small and powerless, the perfect combination for a victim mentality.

Throughout high school and college I let life happen to me.  My fears and powerlessness led me to accept treatment that was so beneath what I deserved, but I felt I had no choice.  I saw malice, danger, and deceit in the world surrounding me.  The possibility of rape, robbery, death, failure, and disappointment was constantly on my mind.  Not only were they apart of my fears, but my reality.  I had so many things stolen from me, I have brushed elbows with sexual assault, I have felt attacked, and I saw people, especially men, as distrustful and had plenty of evidence backing this up. For a long time, the world was a scary place and I wasn't safe.

The Moment that Changed Everything:

After college, I met my mentor who exudes love and nurturing energy.  There is a kindness, happiness, and self-assuredness to her that inspires everyone around her.  She's one of those people that you meet and you just have to know their secret.  One of those people who has life figured out in a way you haven't yet grasped, that allows them to shine.  This woman is the one who shattered my world and I will forever be grateful for that.

Working under my mentor, I managed the office of my massage school.  One day, while working the front desk, a man came into the office.  He was obviously drunk and instantly I was frightened.  Almost as if he could smell my fear, he was drawn to me, and instantly began encroaching my personal space.  Although there were other people in the building, we were alone in that room and I felt frozen.  I feared the worst, yet felt incapable of protecting myself or calling for help.  At one point he was behind the desk with both his arms firmly planted on either side of me and I felt trapped.  At that moment, one of our massage therapists, Sophia, a beautiful, strong, mother of three, came into the room and instantly reacted to the inappropriateness of the situation. She barked at the men who, just as instantly, recoiled at her strength and firmness. In a flash he was out the door.

My mentor came into the room and saw my stress.  I broke down crying and told her the story, shaking with fear.  She looked at me, all hints of the nurturing, loving woman melted into a shocking fierceness as she told me that if anyone hurt me, she would kill them.  I believed her.  She then, with tears in her eyes, told me she was sorry that this was the world I lived in and said that it didn't have to be, if I so choose.  If I so choose. If I so choose. She went on to explain that the strength that Sophia possessed that scared that man away, could be mine as well.  That I could learn to feel safe in myself and that sense of security would project a powerful energy out into the world and I would begin to see how that resulted in a safer world.  This was the beginning of the end of the fearful, negative world around me.

Constantly inspired by my teachers, classmates, and mentor, I began to consciously shift my thoughts to ones that were more empowering and positive.  I began to recognize that the reality I was living in was seen through lenses actively focusing on the darkness, completely unaware of the light surrounding me. I began to choose to switch my focus to the light and was in awe of how much more beautiful my life became.  I began to feel safer, happier, and in charge of the life I was living.

About a month after my encounter with the drunk man, I was again working the front desk when the VERY SAME man stumbled in, just as drunk. He recognized me and made his descent.  Little did he know, I was not the same weak victim he had met last time.  Not an ounce of fear was triggered in me in this man's presence.  Instead, I saw him more clearly as a sad, disturbed man, harmless, but hurting.  I didn't take his advances seriously and very firmly told him to leave.  I watched how my strength met his advances and completely shut him down.  He left.

I was shocked by how quickly my world had changed and was so grateful for those two experiences that profoundly showcased the contrast of the two worlds I had lived in.  From that moment on I have consistently and actively chosen to live in a new, more positive world. When I feel burdened by negative thoughts or feelings, I try to remain open to a different way of framing my struggles in order to see them more positively and in a way that promotes positive growth and change.  I choose to feel safe and strong and to approach life with a sense of empowerment.

After:

My world has forever changed with the shift into positive thinking and seeing.  Every struggle turns into a blessing.  Every hardship has a purpose.  Every bad day is an opportunity to fight for a good day.  Every negative thought allows me to learn how to love myself deeper.  Every argument leads me to a deeper understanding of myself and the people in my life.  The world is no longer scary, I don't feel endangered, and I refuse to be a victim.  What small shifts in the way you think can you make to change your life?

Nurturing Your Inner Child

As a perfectionist and a tough self-critic, the concept of an inner child has helped get me through many rough patches. I have spent a lot of times in my life struggling with emotional issues.  Self-hatred, depression, and anxiety were no strangers to me.  Then my mentor introduced me to the concept of the inner child.  She told us to put a picture of ourselves as children in our journal or by the mirror as a reminder to approach ourselves with love.  This had such a powerful effect on me.

Children embody innocence and purity, which is why it's so easy to love, support, and protect them.  We deserve that same level of love, support, and protection throughout our lives and it's our duty to show that to ourselves so that others can reflect it back to us.  We set the stage for how we're treated, so it's important to be a good example.

It's easy to go to bat for a child, to help them, and to nurture them.  This gets hard to do as we get older, but it shouldn't.  If we all viewed ourselves and others has the child they/we once were, we would act completely different toward ourselves and others.  There would be more love, patience, kindness, support, forgiveness, empathy, etc.

The concept of the inner child also helped me approach my struggles with objectivity.  Often times, we can easily dole out advice to anyone but ourselves.  Our self-criticism, judgement, fears, and doubts stop us from being objective.  We get lost in our own heads and a great tool for this is to imagine yourself as someone else or as a child coming to you with the same struggles.  Write down what you would say to them and then read it to yourself.

The beauty of using the image of a child is that it simplifies things.  Children need love, support, and attention.  As we grow older, we still need the same things, but we've adjusted to not receiving them as often.  Anytime I was struggling I imagined a child and instantly my thinking would shift to a more loving space.  The level of judgment, criticism, anger, and disappointment I felt toward myself wouldn't survive when met with a child.  Thinking of myself as a cute, innocent child helped me find a way to love myself, especially the parts I deemed unloveable.

I'm a huge advocate for journaling, especially for anyone having a hard time.  Writing to my inner child (i.e. "Dear Little Angie...") has been one of the most powerful tools I've used to heal and let go.  I used to have a lot of body image issues and was really hard on myself for the foods I ate and how much or little I worked out.  After learning about the inner child concept I wrote a letter imagining what I would say to a child struggling with the same negative thoughts.  Instantly my heart filled with so much love, empathy, and sadness for this pure, beautiful child who couldn't see the light and beauty in her own reflection.

I poured love onto multiple pages describing that beauty isn't measured by pounds, inches, or calorie intake but is a reflection of someone's confidence, self-love, and their pure essence.  I then read this letter back to myself and felt the truth in these words and, after many tears and some self-pity, I was changed forever.  I saw and treated myself differently and witnessed the world do the same.  It's amazing to watch how approaching life in a different way changes the way you are seen, received, and treated by others.

Go dig out some old pics, say hi to little you, and never forget that we were all once completely pure, innocent, beautiful children. It's a little silly, but give it a go.  Make peace with yourself, soak up some love, and experience some profound positive change.

Making Peace with Food

Many of us have chosen to override our instinctual connection with food by intellectually controlling what we are eating.  Meaning that we've listened to outside sources in order to determine what to eat instead of trusting our own intuition.  We're animals, we're designed to instinctually know how to survive.  So, how do we get back there? This part is simple, but not easy.   Whether you're a yo-yo dieter, an athlete, a standard American, a person recovering from an eating disorder, or plain ol' Joe Schmo, we've all learned to deem food as bad or good, right or wrong.  We've been at war with foods that are an essential part of our structure and function: fats, proteins and carbohydrates.  I'm asking you to stop fighting with food.  Stop restricting, rewarding, punishing, and controlling.  Simply put, I'm asking you to eat.

I was big on fad diets, which turned into an obsession, which turned into an eating disorder.  When I started my healthy lifestyle I had "recovered" from my struggles with eating disorders, but the obsession with food and my body still haunted me.  I knew that if I was going to pursue a healthy lifestyle I was going to have to do it a different way.  No more restricting and no more right and wrong.

That's how I began, eating whatever the hell I wanted to, whenever the hell I wanted to, with the addition of healthy food.  I focused on drinking enough water, juicing three times a day, and finishing both my lunch and dinner meals with raw salads.  What I ate beyond that was of no concern to me.

I had an excellent Professor in college, who specialized in eating disorders, tell me that if someone had a restriction / binge relationship with Oreo's then they should be sure to carry around a bag of them wherever they went.  The more we resist something the stronger our urge is for that thing.  I have plenty of experience to back that statement up.  We should allow ourselves to indulge in cravings as long as we do our best to create a healthy standard.  Let the unhealthy cravings become the exceptions and the healthy, nourishing foods become our norm.

Pumping my body with nutrients soon lessened my appetite and unhealthy cravings.  Pretty soon I was daydreaming of kale and brown rice instead of Taco Bell and onion rings.  Our bodies want to be healthy, it's our minds that  screw it up.  So, do your body a favor and surrender control.  Let it decide what to eat, but support it with proper nourishment.

I have to add that exploring your patterns of eating, emotional connections to food, and feelings towards your body will help you break free of unhealthy eating patterns.  Journalling, refocusing on positive thoughts, and letting go of judgements were integral in my healing.

Nowadays, I'm not perfect, nor do I want to be, but I've allowed my body to resume control.  I still allow myself to emotionally eat and indulge in cravings, but my healthy lifestyle dramatically outweighs these times and my body can handle it.  I deem these as "soul" food days and enjoy them, but am excited to get back to my green juice and quinoa. It's my philosophy that health and happiness comes from enjoying your food, supporting your body when you can, and eliminating judgement. So, go on now and start loving yourselves and loving your food!