Thailand, the Beginning

Today for the first time in my life, I woke up in Thailand. Although this place is new there is something about the air here: the sounds, the smells, the feelings, that takes me back to other times and places. The foggy mornings in Kenya, the smells of eucalyptus on a scenic drive in California, the clinking of dishes and laughter coming from the kitchen reminding me of my time on staff at a yoga retreat, the calm and sacredness of my favorite hot springs in California. The same feelings of peacefulness, adventure, and a deep gratitude for all the wonder in this world awoke within me, but so did this deep heartache for things and parts of myself that I didn't realize I was missing.

I came to Thailand because I felt I had to. Because I could see and feel myself changing and was afraid my struggles were swallowing me whole, leaving me forever different. I had grown bitter, negative, and numb and I was scared I'd never snap out of it. The compassionate, understanding, vivacious, joyful person I once identified myself as had grown distant. Depression has been a thick, heavy blanket covering my whole life these last six months, dulling all sensations, except, of course, sadness and anxiety. The strangest part of this was for me to stop feeling that constant, bursting love that was bubbling in my chest eager to connect and express itself through laughter, tears, hugs, and words. Many times in my life I have tearfully said the words, "I just love everybody." That deep compassion was a part of who I was and without it I felt robotic. Play acting as my former self without the same feelings. I became the Tin Man searching for his heart. I grew accustomed to feeling without feelings. Laughter without laughing. Joy without joy. Excitement without excitement.

These feelings themselves carry an energy that I've missed. An emotional cup of coffee that no longer gets poured leaving me feeling blah and tired. And this morning, that nostalgia that overwhelmed me with warm feelings and sadness, also reminded me of another energy that accompanies moments of my life when amazement, happiness, and adventure have combined to create an unforgettable moment. Floating naked on my back in a hot spring staring at the stars and for a few blissful moments knowing that magic is real. Another time at that same hot spring, surrounded by cold water watching rain as it hit the fig leaves above my head feeling completely at peace and connected. Running one foggy morning in Kenya while listening to the Lion King soundtrack as I made my way through herds of giraffe, wildebeests, and zebra. I couldn't stop giggling at the surreal experience.  Unbelievable scenery soundtracked by the perfect song with the feelings of possibility and complete liberation that come with the open road.

As I swam in nostalgia and began to examine these memories, I realized that part of me booked this trip to invoke some of these feelings. To throw that depression blanket off and remember who I am and what makes me tick. There's something about a good sunset, a new trail, a good view, a pretty flower, when the sunlight hits the world just right, the smell of the woods, a camp fire, your skin after a long walk in the snow, and the anticipation, excitement, and nerves that accompany trying something new, that make me feel alive. These moments are why I explore, both myself and the world. It's these moments when gratitude overwhelms me as I see the everyday magic that exists in this wonderful world that show me that God is real, because how can't he be?! These moments, to me, are the same as falling in love. Love has not always been kind to me, but I can always count on my relationship to this. To God. To Nature. To connection. To adventure. To wonder. To this world.

As I sit here writing, surrounded by water, nature, and the sounds of the tropics, I'm starting to remember who I am and with that I feel hope. Hope for adventure, love, wonder, gratitude, overwhelming happiness, and feelings with feelings. First full day in Thailand, feeling alive and grateful.

The Great Depression of 2016

Man, this year was TOUGH. Honestly, it's been the hardest year that I can remember. A rocky start followed by a deep fall into depression, brought up challenges I already thought I had conquered, which had me questioning everything.

As most of you know, I come from a challenged past riddled with anxiety, depression, battles with drugs, alcohol, self-harm, and, not to mention, a whole slew of health issues. I am the classic picture of what is called a Wounded Healer: a person who grows more and more compassionate and empathetic with every trial they face and boy do they face a lot of trials. I have chosen to use this empathy and all the lessons I've learned to reach out and help others, either in my career or with my voice. After losing my cousin to suicide, I vowed to no longer suffer in silence, to share my own hardships and struggles, hoping that my vulnerability might help just one person. However, I am very careful with what I share. I don't want to open up without a silver lining, without a perspective I've developed, without a message. So, sometimes this blog gets quiet, like this year, and that's usually a sign that I'm working through something big and am learning how to approach it.

See, after my time in California, I got a little cocky. I thought I had seen and survived the worst and that I forever would be able to meet every challenge with confidence and ability. To me, I thought depression and anxiety was something I could master, something I could fix. And that's true, to a degree, but what I didn't want to admit was that those challenges would be apart of me my whole life. That realization knocked me on my ass.

So began one of the worst depressions I've EVER experienced and it challenged me down to my very core. Who am I? What am I doing? What do I believe? Why me? How the hell do I move forward? At one point, I thought I had all the answers and then all of sudden I had none. At one point, I felt a strong connection to God and my spiritual practice, then I felt alone, completely alone. At one point, I felt I had suffered so much for a distinct purpose that I was proud to be apart of: helping others, then I felt it was all so pointless and there was nothing I could do to help. At one point, I felt I had a strong hold on who I was and what my future looked like, then nothing felt right. I was, and admittedly still am, lost as f*ck.

There were some dark days, very dark days. I'd be lying if I told you suicide never crossed my mind, but it did, more than I care to admit. That alarmed me more than anything because, surely, SURELY, I had at least graduated passed that 'stage.' Then I once again made the decision to fight, to find a way out, and to not let the hopelessness consume me. I did the only thing I could think of, which was spend a lot of money on something that excited me, something I could look forward to. One thing that was different than my past is that I didn't take my suicidal thoughts seriously. They annoyed me more than anything because it felt like a stupid distraction instead of focusing on a solution. So, as a giant f*ck you to my own suicidal mind, I dropped $400 on a dinner at one of my favorite chef's restaurants in Chicago 4 weeks away and then bought a plane ticket to Thailand in February. This was my insurance and it worked.

Suicidal thoughts are a state of mind, that even though it feels like it'll last forever, it won't. Just like everything, it's temporary. If you allow yourself the time, it will shift. So, in an act of desperation, I literally bought myself that time. And slowly (felt like eons), I began to wrestle my way out. I stopped drinking almost completely, because lord knows that doesn't help me, I went back to therapy, I began cooking and eating really well, and, most importantly, I began meditating again. I somehow allowed myself to believe I didn't need all the things that I worked at in order to get me happy and healthy and I got lost, very lost. That's what I've been working on the last few months, reconnecting to myself and doing all the things it takes to take care of myself.

I keep going back to this one question: why did this happen? And I've realized that it was not one thing that derailed me, but thousands of little and not so little things that pushed me to this point. I lost both my grandmas in a year, I watched my sister get married as my love life fell apart, I felt more and more disconnected from the people around me, I found myself single and alone watching all my friends begin families, when I so desperately wanted to be doing the same, I turned thirty and was nowhere near where I thought I'd be, I watched in horror as our country took a political turn that scares the living hell out of me, I felt spiritually lost and abandoned, and I felt a million miles away from people like me, people who get that suicidal thoughts come up every once and awhile, people who can joke and laugh about anxiety and depression because it, too, is a huge part of their lives. I missed the people I went to group therapy with and that deep feeling of being understood that comes with being surrounded by people fighting the same fight.

So, yeah, it was a big year. It may not have been my favorite year, but it was still chalk full of good memories, friendships, and intense and important life lessons. And I know I'm not alone. So many people have been met with huge challenges this year and 2016 took the wind out of many people's sails. Even though it was tough, this year has taught me is that I'm am strong and capable, I am not alone, and I will always fight for better. This year kicked my ass, but it allowed me to realize that anxiety and depression aren't going away and it's time for me to befriend them and acknowledge their existence so that I never walk away from the lifestyle I need to manage them. It's pushed me to accept who I am and acknowledge that, yeah I may be different and may require a lifestyle different from my peers, but that's ok.

Self-care is more important to me than ever and so is my spiritual practice. It, too, is a relationship that needs nurturing and I can't expect to feel connected when I've neglected my practice completely. And adventure. Adventure, unlike anything else, pushes me outside my head and into the world to live freely in the moment. So, Thailand, I'll be seeing you soon and I can't wait for all that I'll learn and see and do. And, Future, you may be uncertain, but I'm learning to be okay with that, too. Life, the ultimate adventure.

May 2017 bring you love, happiness, life lessons, unforgettable experiences, laughter, tears, and all the things.

And to those of you who struggle with anxiety and depression. I know what you're going through. I also know that our society and the stigma surrounding mental health makes it hard to get the help you need. I want you to know that you have options beyond therapy and medication. Medication and therapy are very powerful tools, but there are a ton of lifestyle things you can and should be doing as well that will help you manage your anxiety and depression. One of the most powerful tools is connection. Anxiety and depression is extremely isolating. Please feel free to reach out to me, if you're having a hard time within your peer group. Reach out to someone. Always.

There is always the Suicide Hotline, too. There are a ton of emergency numbers to call for help, so don't be afraid to. The way I look at it is, if you're already contemplating the worst thing that could happen, why not do something out of your comfort zone to try something new. If it doesn't work, try something else. Keep trying. Lots of love to you!

Express Your Voice AND Your Humanity

In these final moments of this Election Season, I felt propelled to write to you. Hopefully you made it through this year with your relationships intact and without too many tense moments. I feel like we say it every election, but boy this one was a doozy. It felt very exhausting to me and scared me on a deep level. My fear wasn't so much about the politics, although that was part of it, but my biggest fear was in the cruelty, anger, and frustration that we've been witnessing all over social media, the news, everywhere.

I understand it, in a way, because we are all so different, coming from different walks of life, and feel extremely passionate about the beliefs that have shaped our existence. It's easy to feel angry at things you see or hear from friends, neighbors, the television, co-workers, your community, etc. We want to fight for our beliefs and I respect that, I do. It's a unique privilege to be allowed to have a voice. Elections are our time to express that voice, but don't forget that while our beliefs may divide us, our humanity brings us together.

When I walked into my polling location this morning, I entered at the same time as an older gentleman. He quickened his pace so he could beat me to the door and opened it for me. I nearly cried because at that moment I realized that he and I may have very different beliefs, but it was no reason not to be kind. His act of kindness allowed us to connect with a smile and I felt what I've been missing: hope. Hope for us and our ability to heal the divide that has grown the last year.  I remembered that our humanity is the greatest tool in achieving connection and healing. Unlike our beliefs, our humanity isn't an educated choice birthed from a lifetime of experiences, it's an instinct that is bigger than us.

Our humanity is what allows us to serve others and help each other without asking first who you voted for. Our humanity was expressed after Sept. 11th when, as a nation, we mourned, healed, and stood tall together. Our humanity is showcased in a random smile, a kind gesture, our empathy and compassion, our instinct to help when someone is in need. Our humanity is that amazing feeling we get when we've connected to someone and when we act from the goodness of our hearts. It's what drives us to be good people.

Respect your beliefs, stand up for them, and use your voice, but don't let them get in the way of your humanity. Continue to smile, love, serve, open doors, help, volunteer, make someone laugh, reach out, connect, etc.  Whatever happens this evening, it is our nation, we are the United States of America and we will get through this together.  Be kind and love each other.

P.S. I cried like six times writing this. Anyone else feeling emotional today?! Holy wah!

Antibiotic Soup, a.k.a. Magic Potion

Antibiotic Soup, a.k.a. Magic Potion

Coughing? Sore throat? Congested? Caught a little bug, did ya?! I recently got quite a bug myself and had to pull out all the stops to get better. This recipe is one of my secret weapons. A good time for this is right when you start to feel something coming on, during a sickness, or when you're around others that aren't well.

Antibiotic Soup Yields: 1 cup

Ingredients: 1 tablespoon miso Garlic, as much as you can stand, I usually use 2-3 cloves Ginger, as much as you can stand, I usually use 1-2 inches 1/2 lemon, juiced Cayenne, as much as you can stand, I usually use 1/4 teaspoon 1 cup boiling water

Directions: In a bowl mix together miso and hot water until miso is dissolved. Then add the rest of the ingredients and serve.

This recipe has helped me through many illnesses and I hope you find it healing as well. The ingredients are all very powerful immune boosters and bug fighters. Also, the simplicity of it allows your digestion to take a break, saving more energy to fight illness. I often make a larger batch and keep eating it until I feel better.

If you need a little extra help, here are some other remedies I use:

• For sore throats: 1-2 tablespoons of raw apple cider vinegar, honey, and lemon juice added to hot tea. Throat Coat tea by Traditional Medicinals is amazing for sore throats!
• For respiratory ailments: Put a few drops of eucalyptus oil in your hands and cover your nose and mouth. Take deep breaths allowing the healing affects to reach deep in your lungs. *** Make sure your eyes are closed, it can cause quite the sting. Also, expect to cough, it's natural! :)
• For sinus congestion: Neti pot, twice a day.
• Vitamins: When I'm sick, I take Vitamin C and Zinc (make sure it's chelated, makes it easier to digest and absorb).